The dark side of wellness

photo by @alexparkermedia

If only I took beautiful baths every night with flower petals and candles... 

If only I found the right adaptogen and supplement regimen...

If only I drank enough green juice or bone broth or spring water...

If only I did enough yoga and breathwork…

If only I could sync my life and goals to the lunar cycle...

If I only I resolved my childhood trauma along with that inherited from my parents…

If only my partner would stare deep into my eyes while I shared my greatest fears…

Then, I would be happy and healthy and free. Then I would wake up every morning feeling light and energized and loving. At least that’s what the wellness movement seemed to promise...always along with a never-ending list of tools, tricks, potions, and programs to get me there. 

This was an exhausting and expensive way to live. I did all the programs, saw the best functional medicine doctors, and paid coaches and “healers” to tell me how to live my life. I went to herbalism school then yoga teacher training then nutrition school so that I could become my own healer (which was the ultimate path, I was told). I sprouted my nuts, hunted my meat, and grew my own vegetables. 

Through this education and self-exploration, I did find relief from lifelong anxiety, depression, and gut issues. I enjoyed most of these pursuits and felt really great sometimes. I was able to taper from psychiatric drugs and pursue physical and mental challenges with new found energy.  

However, I also felt obsessed over my next meal or protocol. I stopped reading fiction books because I was always reading about health. My writing was reduced to a food journal and my art to cooking. These things are inherently beneficial and definitely have a place, but they can easily distract you from real life. After years of this, I realized that I was focusing so much of my time on trying to feel even better that I had neglected the activities and people I wanted to show up for in the first place. 

Unknowingly, I also started to feel condescending of others who were not willing to make similar diet and lifestyle changes. Instead of using my newfound energy and mental clarity for empathy, I often felt entitlement and judgement. 

I thought about the people I respected most - my heroes and mentors. All of them maintained good health, but none of them let the pursuit of health become their purpose. Instead, they focused on loving others, creating impactful work, and seeking meaningful experiences. I realized I did not want to sacrifice my life in search for the next thing that was going to finally make me whole. 

So, just this year, I started to shed the fragile identity I had built up as a wellness-seeker. 

I started to let go of the rigid diet and routines - releasing the fear that I might just fall apart. I continued to cook healthy food, move my body, and practice mindfulness every day. But if I wanted to skip my morning meditation or eat some grains or stay up later, I did. If I wanted a sip of coffee or alcohol, I took one. If I wanted to eat or stay on my phone past 8pm, I did.

I did not fall apart; in fact, I found myself connecting with others on a deeper level because I was not so caught up in my head about being “perfect.” If my energy or digestion got a little off, I did not immediately set up an appointment with a doctor or start searching for a new protocol. 

I quickly realized that meditation and yoga and fancy detox protocols do not make us better humans. If they help you show up for yourself and others in a fuller way, great. But if you are attached to rigid routines or practices, take a look at why exactly you are doing them. Do you really enjoy them or are they just distractions that make you feel good about yourself? Most of us have some that fall into both categories. 

When I asked myself this question, I realized I don’t enjoy indoor yoga or fitness classes. I like morning meditation and dancing in my kitchen and stretching in the sunshine after a run. 

I realized that I don’t like how certain adaptogens taste or provide noticable benefit for me. I do like good matcha and dark chocolate.

I realized that I don’t care about the lunar cycle or astrology but do like tuning into the cycles of my own body. 

I realized that smudging my house gives me a headache, but I love opening the windows during the day and turning the wi-fi off at night. 

I realized that I do enjoy doing coffee enemas but also like painting my toenails and getting highlights in my hair once a year - even if those things are “toxic.” 

I realized that turmeric doesn’t taste good on everything. 

I realized that I was missing the whole point. 

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well·ness

/ˈwelnəs/

noun: the state of being in good health especially as an actively sought goal

health

/helTH/

noun: the condition of being sound in body, mind, or spirit

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Considering these definitions by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, perhaps health and wellness are incompatible. Can we be sound in body, mind, and spirit if we are constantly seeking to be different and better in some way? For many, the modern wellness movement is not leading to peace but rather a perpetual cycle of wanting more, fueled by consumerism and self-proclaimed gurus. True health is only achieved when you are satisfied with your current state of mind, body and spirit - which is at odds with the active seeking of more associated with wellness.

While I continue to prioritize a diet and lifestyle that make me feel good, I’m not nearly as attached to specific external forces providing a certain outcome. Instead, I eat fresh food and move my body out of enjoyment. For me, the point of feeling good is to live this human life to the fullest - and not perfect health or enlightenment. So if I’m worried about my next meal instead of the conversation I’m having with my sister, I missed out. If I don’t enjoy the end of a great movie because I’m too worried about the blue light affecting my sleep, I miss out. If I end up spending most of my time alone because I am so worried about bettering myself, I miss out. 

If our purpose is only to feel good, then we are missing out on the human experience. We are not creating anything worthwhile or loving fully because we are always just managing our states of being.

So I’ve dropped the never-ending wellness pursuit. Now, more than ever, I really am happy, healthy and - most of all - free.

Good news: you're not born with it.

Running taught me valuable lessons. In cross-country competition, training counted more than intrinsic ability, and I could compensate for a lack of natural aptitude with diligence and discipline. I applied this in everything I did.

-Nelson Mandela 

Many of us envy those who seem naturally brilliant or beautiful or inherited tons of money. We think that, if only we were more like them, we too would be living an amazing life. While it’s true that our inherited genes and how we are raised affect our being in some ways, the harsh yet empowering reality is that most of our success and happiness is our responsibility. 

Tom Brady is a well-known testament to the power of hard work and discipline over “natural talent.” He did not play as a freshman in high school, and it took him years to earn the starting spot in college. He was drafted in the sixth round of the NFL draft and again had to work his way up - this time up from fourth-string quarterback. He didn’t have the most physical talent, but he did have incredible discipline and persistence. Even down to his stict anti-inflammatory diet, he worked hard to achieve unprecedented career longevity and success. 

We cannot control our inherited genes, but we can control our mindset and habits. The greatest humans are not natural-born athletes, leaders or entrepreneurs. Instead, they wake up every day and choose to be great. They don’t lay in bed all day or act like a jerk because they didn’t sleep well. They don’t drink alcohol or smoke weed everyday when they know they could be spending that time and money on bettering themselves and helping others. They don’t let other people tell them they aren’t good enough because they have an intrinsic sense of worth. 

How to cultivate discipline & hard work to set you up for success: 

Set goals and stick to them.

Every time you set a goal and follow through with it, you reinforce success. Every time you set a goal and give up, you reinforce failure. So set attainable goals and commit to reasonable habits, then stick to them. 

Remember: it’s never too late to learn something new. In fact, lifelong learning enhances our self-confidence and the way we perceive the world around us. It keeps you young by improving brain health and evoking curiosity. So, whether you are 20 or 80, do not underestimate the value of learning something new or challenging your current paradigms. 

• Example 1 (new habit/routine): If you want to start meditating daily, start with three minutes every morning. If you start with 20 minutes and stop one week later when you have a busy morning, you will increase the likelihood for future failure when setting new habits. Once you stick to your three-minute meditation for a month, you will feel momentum to make other positive changes and can then decide to increase the time or add an evening session. 

• Example 2 (long-term goal): You want to learn Spanish...great! Instead of simply diving into online learning materials, write out a plan. Ask other people who have self-taught a foreign language how long it took them to do so - then add two months. Aim to practice a certain number of hours each week (rather than each day), since life will inevitably get in the way. Announce your plan to your friend group or on social media so that you have some accountability. To really raise the stakes, you can plan a trip at the end of your estimated learning time so you have a tangible reason to stick to the timeline. If you have no fluency by the time the trip comes around, you have to cancel it. 

• Example 3 (quitting something): You want to stop smoking cigarettes. Do not decide one night and then go cold turkey the next. Give yourself a month to quit from the day you decide to do so because, if you fail the first time, you are much more likely to fail on your second and third tries and potentially be a smoker for life. If you make a “tapering” schedule over the next month and cut back slowly (i.e. first to one a day, then to one every other day, the weekends only, then none), you are setting yourself up for success. 

Do every task with integrity. 

If you are constantly complaining about your day job, waiting for the day you finally launch your own business or land that gig as a NatGeo photographer, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment. Successful people do every task with presence and integrity. This includes menial tasks like washing the dishes or sending an email. Are you messy? Are you present? How you do anything is how you do everything. So take pride in your work and chores, even if you want them to look differently someday. 

Do not make excuses. 

Excuses are for complacent people who will stay stuck in patterns for a lifetime and die without accomplishing their dreams. If purpose and accomplish are not important to you, there’s nothing wrong with that; in fact, it might result in more stability and “normalcy.” But, for those of us who crave meaning and progress, we need to stop making excuses - because it will set us up for a life in which we always feel stuck. 

You think your lack of money or health or success is your parents’ fault? Not true. Some of the most successful people of all time came from traumatic childhoods. I used to blame my “sensitive stomach” on the fact that my mother was unable to deliver me vaginally or breast feed me. That kept me stuck in a victim mindset where I resented her for no fair reason. I had to own the reality that my diet and lifestyle was a huge contributor to my gut issues. Once I took action to resolve these gut issues, I felt empowered to make other positive changes in my life.

It’s not your parents’ or your boss’s fault that you are broke or sick or depressed. With emerging research on epigenetics, we now know that lifestyle is much greater determinant than inherited genes on gene expression. In fact, only an estimated 25 percent of the variation in human lifespan is determined by genetics. That means you have control over your health and likelihood of disease. 

This is great news and translates to control over your overall success and happiness as well! Just because your parents were not athletic or creative or adventurous, that doesn’t have to mean the same for you. If you decide you want to be smarter, healthier or wealthier, it’s absolutely possible with (1) belief in yourself and (2) commitment. You can’t have one without the other because, like every great athlete or creative knows, visualization and affirmations are only a complement to hard work. You must stay focused and disciplined to achieve your dreams. However, if these dreams are truly important to you, it probably won’t feel like much of a sacrifice. When living an authentic and purposeful life, you will attract others doing the same. Best of all, you will be able to love these people on a whole new level because you will have already established your own values and sense of worth.

Don't let misplaced fear hold you back

“I’ve been afraid every single day of my life, but I’ve gone ahead and done it anyway.” -Georgia O’Keeffe

Right now, I am embracing fear through learning to surf. As a completely novice surfer with everything to learn, I love getting knocked around the waves and trying to catch one. One week into this new venture, I’m mostly practicing my pop-ups on whitewater. Still, the sun in my eyes and leaving salty and exhausted keep me coming back for more. It’s humbling, difficult, and even scary sometimes. That’s why I am doing it as much as possible while staying near the beach.

This morning, I went out at sunrise to surf. I carried my board the half-mile to the beach in a state of bliss. After meditation and tea, the morning light and growing sound of ocean waves were enchanting. The world was full of beauty and promise. My sleepy dreams faded away as the sunlight hit my eyes. I carried the board above my head and felt the weariness in my arms and shoulders leftover from a glorious weekend. I relished the youthful soreness that comes when your body is getting stronger and can still take more.

The waves were small, too small to catch. As I approached the shoreline to paddle around for a while anyway, a fin glided across the water directly in front of my path. I felt fear creep into my body and stopped walking toward the water. Was the shark a sign I should not get in the water today? Or maybe a warning that I’m over my head trying to learn to surf alone? 

Almost immediately, I saw another fin not far away! I had never seen sharks out here, and now they seemed to be everywhere. An old couple approached me on their morning walk, eager to talk to a young person up so early. The woman asked what I was looking at. I told her I had seen sharks. They stood there with me for a few minutes, wanting to see them, until a fin popped up again. The man smiled and told me that those were not sharks; they were dolphins. Better safe than sorry, they agreed. They wished me luck and walked away. 

I felt silly and relieved. Of course they were dolphins: the way their bodies curled above the sealine and their traveling in pairs. I had let fear get the best of me, stealing my sensibility and logic with such ease. As the fear melted, the possibility and hope of the morning were quickly restored. The waves had died down even more, so there was no surf to be had this morning. But soon enough, I will come back for more.

I walked back to the house smiling, board once again above my head. I realized that this little morning escapade held a deeper lesson. Where in my life am I turning dolphins into sharks? Where am I forsaking beauty for fabricated threats? We have good health but expect sickness. We have money but fear losing it. We have love but dread rejection. We know society has rebuilt itself after tragedy but are sure this time will be worse. Let’s free ourselves from our own debiltating stories about the future and our own limitations. Embrace fear so that you are free from its crippling grip; do not let it stop you from living fully and freely.

Today, I choose to see the dolphins. 

I choose optimism over self-imposed doom. 

I choose joy of the moment over fear of the unknown.